


The Gang Watches a Home Movie

by vesperlynds



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9835880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vesperlynds/pseuds/vesperlynds
Summary: Charlie finds a video that may greatly change the lives of the gang.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very strange and convoluted story, but that probably fits the gang's way of doing things. I hope you enjoy it.

#### It was 10:05am, on a Tuesday. 

The bar was empty, except for Dennis and Dee sitting on the last two barstools, their feet swaying beneath them, linking and unlinking in a subtly sweet battle of dominance. Frank was somewhere, doing something. No one was sure where exactly, but he ran out of Paddy’s an hour earlier, yelling about fried eggs and Sasquatch. 

Mac was nowhere to be found, but the local church was performing a matinee performance of their rendition of The Full Monty, the Broadway musical. It was a strange choice for a church, but Mac was on the musical selection committee. 

Charlie ran through the door. His face looked as if he saw a ghost, or not really, because a ghost would be pretty cool. They could hang out, play some intense games of Nightcrawlers together. Maybe it’s more like he saw the waitress making out with someone in an alley, surrounded by empty bottles, which previously held pills and booze. 

Running out of breath, Charlie gasped. “You aren’t gonna believe this. The craziest thing just happened as I was cleaning out my mom’s cupboard of home movies.” Dennis twitched and quickly looked over at Dee, who’s face mirrored his own. He winked, too quickly for anyone to notice. Dennis looked back over at Charlie, as he continued speaking. “So, I saw a tape marked with some weird swirls. They looked like Sasquatch tracks, so I started watching the tape. And it was an up close of my mom’s vagina, with two heads sticking out of it. Is she a mutant? What does this mean?” Charlie frantically looks towards Dennis and Dee. 

Dee shrugged before saying “do you think this video might have been your mother giving birth to you?” 

Charlie shrieks “Dee, I do not have two heads. I’m not some weird kind of bird-like creature like you.” 

Dennis chuckled at Charlie’s joke at Dee’s expense. He cocked his head and said “Charlie, is it possible your mom gave birth to twins, much like Dee and myself?” Charlie chuckled and told Dennis how crazy that would be. Dennis asked if it was any crazier than Charlie’s mom being a mutant with two heads sticking out of her old lady vagina. 

Charlie half-nodded, taking a moment to consider the possibility. He laughed and said “Nah, man. I don’t have a brother or sister. That’s insane, dude.” Charlie walked out the door muttering something about frying eggs on Frank’s head. 

Dennis turned towards Dee, placing his hand on her bony wrist. “Well, now that he’s gone, we have a tape to find.” Dee smiled and adopted a sinister accent, “We shall, my brother. We shall.” Dennis frowned at that and shook his head. Dee shrugged and stood up from the barstool, using her brother’s shoulder for balance.

#### It was 11:30am, on that same Tuesday

Frank and Charlie stood in an empty field, surrounded by broken egg shells. Charlie cracks an egg on Frank’s head. The yolk pools on the top of his head, his hair acting as a wall, keeping the egg in place. Franks cheers and gives Charlie a high five, “We did it, Charlie! This fried egg and sacrificial circle of egg shells will surely drawn in our Sasquatch.” 

Charlie walked over and sat in the center of the circle, “So, I saw this tape today. My mom giving birth, but uh, she had two babies, and they were both trying to come out the same time.”

Frank opened his eyes wide as yolk started falling down his face, landing on his nose. “Well, I guess that’s why your mother’s hooha is all stretched out, not that I would know about that.” Frank trailed off as he spoke. Charlie wrinkled his nose, but quickly changed into a shrug, before he walked and picked an egg shell off the ground and ate it.

#### It was 12:05pm, still Tuesday

Inside the home shared by Charlie’s mom and Mac’s mom, Dennis and Dee sat on a cigarette butt covered floor, staring horrifyingly towards a television set. Grunts and screams echoed around the room. Dennis broke the silence, “Well, this is clearly Frank banging Charlie’s mom in what looks like a Santa costume.” 

On the screen, Frank bellowed “HO, HO, HO. You sure are a great whore.” Dee covered her mouth in an attempt not to projectile vomit towards the despicable actions happening on the tiny television set. 

Dee stood up, dragging Dennis with her by the collar of his button-down shirt. Dee stared right into Dennis’s eyes. “Why? Why couldn’t we have just seen an overly graphic video of a woman giving birth to twins?” 

Dennis touched Dee on her arm, lightly stroking, “All I know is we need to get as far away from this place as physically possible. Wanna drink ourselves into a stupor at a karaoke bar and perform 80s power ballads?” Dee shrugged, grabbed Dennis’s hand, and dragged him out of the house.

#### It was early morning, sometime in 1977

Barbara and Frank stood at opposite sides of a sparsely decorated room. A bassinet sat in the center of the room. Crying echoed throughout the room. Frank threw his hands in the air, sighed and waddled out of the room. Barbara walked towards the bassinet and looked down onto a scrunched up pink face. “Well, you didn’t really work how I wanted. I still can’t stand Frank. I guess I’ll just have to try again.” 

She threw a plush bantha into the bassinet. The baby giggled and swatted at the fluffy creature. Barbara walked away from her child, took a flask out from her pocket, and gulped down all of its contents before she pushed open the door and yelled “Can someone I pay come take care of the damn thing, I have a facial I need to get to.” She left her child behind, as she made her way through the hallway, stretching past dozens of unused rooms.

#### It was 5pm, present day, still Tuesday

Charlie sat in front of a television screen where a videotape was paused. Curiously, he clicked play. Frank Reynolds came to life on the screen. He ripped a Santa hat off his head letting his small amount of hair springing to life. As he walked out of the bedroom, the camera focus changed, covering the area of the living room directly in front of Charlie’s teddy bear his mom made him keep on the fireplace. 

A little boy, just over a year old, crawled around on the floor, his hands grasping for a bright red buttplug. Frank yelled at the boy, “come on, Dennis. We gotta go pick up the caviar and vodka for your mom. That’s what she wanted when she was pregnant with you.” Dennis giggled and waved the buttplug in the air. 

Charlie turned the tv off, grabbed his jacket off the couch, and paced around the living room, shrieking as he made his way around the room. This went on for hours until he walked right out of the house and made his way to the bar.

#### It was 9pm, still Tuesday, but it felt like days, months, years had passed for Charlie

Dennis, Dee, Frank, and Mac were standing around the bar. Mac was telling everyone about his excellent casting choices in his rendition of The Full Monty, especially a guy named Stan. Dee smiles at Mac’s excitement. Once he pauses, Dee jumps in, “So, did you ask him out?” 

Mac looks down at his hands clutched together. “Uh, he already had a boyfriend, but he said he’d try to set me up.” 

Dee pats Mac on the shoulder. “That’s good news. I hope it works out.”

Charlie stormed into the room. “Hey, sorry to interrupt, but I just saw Frank walk out of my mom’s bedroom and pick a baby up off the ground, a baby holding a buttplug.”

Frank stood up to leave the room. Charlie walked over and stopped me. “Nope, you gotta explain dude.”

Frank shrugged and said. “Well, I guess I’m caught. I fucked your mom, Charlie. And the baby. That was Dennis. Eh, he was born two years before Dee. Barbara didn’t give birth to twins. Said if it happened, she’d abort because she didn’t want to stretch her vagina too hard. Dee was born in 1979. Dennis was young enough, we made em think they were twins. Thought it would be a laugh.”  
Dee broke in, “So, are you actually my dad?” 

Frank shrugged again. “Eh, maybe, but your mom was lying about being pregnant the second time. I found her fake stomach, but she showed up with a baby on her due date and I didn’t ask any questions.”

Dennis slammed a bottle down on the counter and said, “Why, why didn’t you ask any questions? For all we know that video of Charlie’s mom giving birth to twins could be Charlie and Dee. I might not even be related to my fucking twin sister. Oh, and I’m already forty. Would have been nice to know.” Dennis screams, as he walks towards the back office. 

Frank sat down on a barstool before saying, “I think you might be right. One night, your mom got so drunk, she told me she stole a baby girl from a redhead at the hospital, who she described as having a smile like a children’s television performer.” Dee shakes her head, and follows Dennis. 

In the back office, Dennis sat down, running his hands through his hair. He looked up as the door opened to see Dee walking into the room. She shut the door behind her, and walked towards Dennis. He lowers his eyes to her and whispers, “Do you think I look like I’m forty?” 

Dee sighs and runs her fingers through his hair, “Of course not. When I said you were going bald, I was just jealous. Honestly, your hair has never looked better. You were right. You didn’t peak in high school.” 

Dennis leaned his forehead down, letting it rest upon hers, “Thanks, babygirl.” He pulled back slightly, and leaned in, lightly pressing his lips against hers. Dee twisted her arm around his back, and pulled him closer. As the kiss deepened, she pushed him up onto the desk as his hands roamed over her body.

#### It was 10am, on a Wednesday

Dennis yawned and stretched his arms above him until he felt a warm lump against his chest. He looked down and saw Dee’s hair pooled across his bare chest. A note rested on the bedside table. Mac’s handwriting was scrawled across an empty box of thin mints. “We saw you were busy, dude. Old Black Man and I are bunking with Charlie. We didn’t tell Frank. We thought this whole thing needs to come from you.” 

Dennis reached towards Dee and ran his fingers through her wavy blonde hair. She stirred in her sleep, eyes fluttered open as she turned towards Dennis. “So, what we did last night isn’t illegal, right?” 

Dennis put his arm around her shoulder and pulled them both up into a seated position. “I’m not sure we’re even related anymore. I don’t think it’s illegal for a dude to bang someone he’s not related to and has been weirdly flirting with for years.” 

Dee looked over at Dennis before leaning in and kissing him on the corner of his mouth. “It’s kinda weird going from twins to not related at all, but the sex was pretty great.” Dennis smiled at Dee, grabbing hold of her hands, placing them in his lap. “It wasn’t the worst thing I could do finding out I’m two years older than I thought. Not a complete breakdown.” Dee punched him lightly on the arm, laughing as her arms laced their way around his neck. He laughed and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her down on top of him. He opened his mouth to speak, and she silenced it with another kiss. 

The gang bursts into the room with Mac in the front. “I couldn’t stop them. They saw I was acting weird this morning and wouldn’t stop until I told them.” 

Dee and Dennis shrugged as Dee said, “Eh, it’s not like it’s incest. We’ve got bigger things to worry about like the baby stealing, lying, and general mess of this family.” Frank shrugged, “I’m fine with that. Let’s move on from it boys, Dennis and Dee are bangin’ and that’s that.”


End file.
